starting a blog was the last thing i wanted
may fifth, twenty-nineteen
who would have ever thought that i would write publicly? i'm not sure how others feel, but i dreaded the process of peer-reviews. but here i am, typing without capitals and possibly having countless amount of grammatical errors that i'm completely unaware of. with that to say, here i am wanting to break out of my fears and counteract those fears with bold risks. first step to a bold risk, in my perception, is do something that you never do. for me, that's writing... publicly. it's one thing where you prepare a sermon and you read your own manuscript, but it's another when somebody is reading your writing and it's up for critique. i clearly never took critique well when it came to my writing. i remember having to share one of my essays back in high school to a friend and i remember the humiliation when i was laughed at for not knowing when to use "there", "their", or "they're". I felt like the dumbest person in school. this was not just a one time event, but it occurred numerous of times which has led to my fear of public writing. so you can only imagine how deep that fear is. i would go as far as to say that it is a deep rooted anxiety that first started through an outlet of being bullied. i remember having the hardest time with fellow classmates who were always grammatically correct. there wasn't anything wrong with being correct, it was the way it was delivered. "oh, did you not know?" as if i was supposed to be on the same playing field as them. "daniel, you're suppose to have learned this in elementary" as if i was a student who understood things as quick as them. "of course you're suppose to capitalize this letter" as if you saying that in front of everyone was not humiliating enough. it was through this time of being bullied where i started building a deeper heart for those who felt misunderstood or embarrassed of being "behind" or in other words, the outcast. it's an incredibly lonely place to feel like you're the only one who doesn't understand. so in the avenue of hiding your humiliation, you choose to either go along with it or not try at all. but i don't believe that edifies you or others around you. you have so much to offer, all you need is the gracious guidance of somebody who can extend compassion on you and speak truth into you. i'm grateful that i can say that i have people who have encouraged/challenged me despite my shortcomings. it has been rejuvenating to know that i can share what & why i feel, what & why i think, and what & why i do. so if this speaks to any of you or if i'm just blabbering to my screen, i hope that you can find a place where it will allow you to speak openly, to not fear whether what you say is not up to par with others, and to let you be yourself in the community that God has given you. love you guys!